Title.
*Bill and I were just kids back then experimenting with Mum's Floo decided to pay Uncle Fabian and Uncle Gideon a visit. Between all the green flames and extremely naked limbs, I'm quiet certain Bill and I came to the same conclusions: Uncle Fabian and Uncle Gideon loved each other very much, in the very same way Mum and Dad did. And, never, ever Floo unannounced unless we wanted to confirm once again what, exactly, it looked like when two brothers were having sex. Believe me, two identical freckled bums, doing that made me have some seriously deranged dreams about my own family. It was a shocking experience that I wished I had never seen. Although, I wish I had been able to Floo back for a few pointers, but they were already dead by the time I went through puberty.
*There are few things I loathe about the female body. It's a beautiful creation that I love to worship with hand, mouth and cock. However, seeing my mother give birth to Ron was almost enough to make me swear off the practice of any form of reproduction for the rest of my life. It was horrible! There was blood and-- guh, I still cannot think on it without shuddering. No eight year old should ever see his mum's woman bits- it didn't help that Ron was the ugliest baby ever to be born. Even the Medi-Witch said so. I can almost swear to you, that the moment my (terribly ugly) baby brother's head fucking breached my Mum's hole, half of me went gay. Right there and then. It was that traumatic. And I blame my Dad: 'Son, I want you to experience what life looks like.' Well let me tell you, it looks bloody disgusting. They would be getting no grandchildren from this son, and it was their own bloody faults.
*I once saw the inside of young Fred and George's room. There are no words. None.
*Aunt Muriel went to the loo while I was forced over for high tea. She came back, bent over to retrieve a sugar spoon and her dress was tucked into her giant knickers. The sight of her massive knickers complete with moving kittens, which frankly, looked more like hyenas, put me off women for a month… at least. And I was 16! It's a hard task to accomplish. To this day, even if I'm so close to coming nothing should be able to stop me, the sound of a kitten's meow will make me go instantly soft.
*Mad-Eye Moody was a war hero several times over, and no one will dispute that. But I will say the man lacked certain table manners. I was an unfortunate witness to one of Mad-Eye's more grotesque "lessons." I mean, I had heard about them in letters from Tonks, but I hadn't truly experienced one until then. If anyone knew Mad-Eye, they knew him for being one of the most valued Auror trainers in all of history. However, his teaching did not stop outside of Auror training, nor did it cease for non-Aurors. It was a constant force, that constant vigilance he was always going on about.
I was in from Romania and waiting for Professor Dumbledore so that I could give him my report, when Mum forced a couple of sandwiches upon me and a nice bowl of soup. I settled at the table after Mum left to eat and wait. About a sandwich in, Mad-Eye joined me without a word, which wasn't unusual. He wasn't particularly talkative unless he was giving lessons or barking orders. Now, I pride myself on being a pretty strong-stomached bloke, but when Mad-Eye un-squelched his eye for a cleaning and gave it a big lick, it made me cringe and drop my sandwich. But when he unhooked his wooden leg and propped his stump (which he said had never been properly healed) onto the table to clean, I vomited everywhere.
After I emptied the entire contents of my stomach onto the floor, he lifted his wand and Scourgified the mess. Before leaving the room, he turned to me and said, "Wars are a messy business, son. I used to be handsome once."
*There are days when I wish I had never seen a dragon. Then, I never would have fallen in love with them and moved to Romania. I could have stayed and played professional Quidditch for England. I would, without a doubt, have been famous and wealthy enough to take care of my family. I might have even found myself settling down. If I had never fallen in love with dragons, I might have stayed in love with Tonks and raised a family with her. Maybe, if I hadn't left her, she wouldn't have died. But that's really here nor there.
*Mundungus Fletcher. Naked, sans dirt. Enough said. Moving on…
*I caught Madame Hooch stealing a set of Harry's Quidditch robes… and smelling them. I was only looking for a bit of rope, a rather innocent task. Yet, rope is why I was standing frozen in the locker rooms watching a grown woman smell my brother's best friend's clothing. I thought she was a dyke!
*Buckbeak came to stay at the Reserve while Hagrid was on the run. He also managed to fall in love with Norberta. Cross-species procreation is absolutely disturbing. I have never had nature defile my eyes like that before. Never. It was stunning and completely scarring, not to mention illegal! Buckbeak and Norberta didn't care for my reasons, no matter how loud I shouted them to make it stop.
*But of all the things I wished I had never seen, I wish I had never looked back that day of the Battle of Hogwarts. I wish I hadn't turned to check on her; then I might not have seen her fall in a flash of green light and pink hair. That memory will most likely haunt me forever. But then again, if she hadn't of fallen, I might still be longing for something I gave up long ago and then I never would have taken an interest in the conflicted Malfoy family and their beautiful, if not a bit warped, son. Happiness is a funny thing.
