Title: Breathing Heavy and Getting Nowhere.
Pairing: Remus/Tonks
Summary: Tonks is having a really bad day... er, month.
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Langauge
Seven months since their first date.
Roughly six months since the first time they slept together.
Five months since they stopped being a secret.
Four months since he said ‘I love you’ for the first time.
Three months since he moved into her room at Headquarters.
Two months since Sirius died for her
One month since Dumbledore gave him his assignment.
Three weeks since the last time they made love.
Two weeks since he moved out of her room at Headquarters.
One week since he told her he loved her, possibly for the last time.
Six days since she made up her mind to hate him.
Five days since he started to avoid her.
Four days since she last saw him.
Three days since she has stopped speaking to him entirely.
Two days since the last meal she kept down.
One full day contemplating how to get out of love with him.
Tonks was nauseated. It was ironic how fast time flew by when she was happy… how fast six months plowed past her and how slow the past month had been, how aching slow time had pasted for her.
It all made her ill.
She poked her wand at her cold tea, watching the steam curl into the stiff, cold air of her bedroom. The first rays of moonlight were streaming through her window, and the cold English autumn was settled in Grimmald place. Tonks rubbed her eyes with her numb hands, the day had been long. She had gotten a new desk and had spent the whole day trying to clean out her old one. It was a bit chaotic.
She sipped her tea.
In two hours she would have to tramp out to St. Brutus’ Secure Centre for Incurably Criminal Boys (or something like that) where she would investigate, most likely in the rain, the horribly effects of Dementor breeding. Mad-Eye had come in earlier in the evening complaining of a nasty batch of Dementor’s breeding at the school and Dementor mist could create a lot of nasty things, even for muggles. It was more productive for her to take care of it on Order time then it was on the Ministry’s. Too much paper work.
Tonks stared hopelessly into the mirror, screwing up her eyes painfully in an expression she often used to wear. She opened her eyes a few seconds later to the same disappointment she’d felt for one whole month; the same mousy brown hair stared back at her with haughty brown eyes and pale skin.
“Still look like the werewolf you traitor.” The mirror replied lazily.
“Sod off. Bloody mirrors don’t know a thing.”
She slammed the door on the way out.
Her trainers squished on the puddle ridden pavement as she made her way down the muggle street. The unusually cold September chilled her to the bone, pulling her cloak closer to her body she scurried across the street to a large stone building looming in the near horizon. The damp air squeezed tightly on her lungs and steady down pour of rain was weakening her modified impervious charm.
She’d noticed him in the den on her way out, laughing quietly with Hestia Jones. Her stomach turned slightly at the thought, how content he looked; how she was dying inside and he could laugh. He did cruel things, he wasn’t a dumb man; he had to know every action effected her more than she would ever admit, but he knew- he had to. Order meetings were hell, he would always bring her tea just the way she liked it. Or how he just happened to put a hand on her shoulder or linger behind her just long enough to get her attention.
When he told her he was going underground, she was shocked and devastated. When he continued to break her heart into a million pieces and leave her, naked in her own bed without even a kiss goodbye the next morning with a note; that pissed her off more than the leaving. Too old, too poor, too dangerous and too fucking scared. That was three weeks ago and since, what seemed like a million arguments had passed very heatedly between the two of them and all of them ended the same way; with him kissing her or storming out. It was strange to see him so unraveled; the calm, patient, cardigan clad professor was ill tempered and completely out of control.
But in his typical fashion, he had started avoiding her. Mr. Fucking Passive Aggressive all of the sudden decided to come out and play. The problem with the entire situation was no matter how hurtful he was- Tonks was still desperately in love with the werewolf.
The school was getting closer and a feeling of defeat was seeping through her veins. Glancing up, she saw the dull shadow of Dementors over the school which almost explained the sinking feel… almost. Tonks grimaced and pulled out her wand. She squeezed her eyes tight.
“I can’t help but be desperately in love with you Tonks.” Remus said against her lips before pressing them firmly against hers.
"EXPECTO PATRONUM!" Her voice rang out in the street and a bright creature spilled from her wand.
Her own Moony glanced hauntingly up at her and nuzzled her hip with his muzzle, his silver shape was streaked with black and his dark eyes glowed amber in the light; his body pulsed in the moon light. She just closed her eyes and walked on, quickly casting a lasting spell on her patronous to keep it active. The Dementors were too many to be messing with alone and Moony at her side would help… he always helped.
Tonks climbed the steps of the school, magically unlocking the doors before letting Moony slip past her into the dark hallway. The fog was incredible thick and the visibility was low, Moony totted in and out of sight ahead of her. Her trainers squeaked on the floor, but she was too tired to dry them. The air in the hallway was suffocating and Tonks raised her wand to banish all the mist, slowly making her way down the hall way.
Two hours later, the halls were cleared except for a gleaming section in the first hallway, near the locker room. It twinkled innocently at her in the dark lighting and Moony growled softly next to her. Anti-gravity mist could only be taken care of from within the mist, which could be tricky if not done properly. Most of the time, problems occur with inexperienced wizards or muggles; the more time you spend in the mist the more likely it is to alter your brains.
Tonks raised her wand and walked lazily into the mist. Immediately her world was turned upside down, her vision swirling with it. Suddenly up became down and it seemed as if she was standing on the ceiling. It was exactly like her life, nothing seemed right for the past month. She used to be the clumsy Auror who was lucky to have made it through training was now considered one of the top Aurors and was leading mission and giving orders. But none of it mattered because he was gone, she barely saw him as it was without him purposely avoiding her and he wasn’t hers anymore either, he was the packs.
Slowly the chaos began to build around her, she felt the wind pick up and the hallway swirled to blur around her. Tonks felt sleepy and euphorically free, rooted to the ceiling her fingers tingled and her limbs felt heavy. Somewhere in the back of her mind a voice was telling her to lift her foot, to take the step and break the spell but she didn’t. She let the feeling of chaos and weightlessness engulf her.
From what seemed like miles away came a voice so familiar before Tonks slammed back down to Earth, her knees hit the cold tile of the school’s hallway as she shook to clear the fog from her mind. Staring down at her was Remus. He was here. He had saved her from severe brain damage… and she hated him.
She quickly got to her feet, grabbing her wand and turning away from him; his shabby robes looked even shabbier than before, his amber eyes graying more than she remembered and his normally thin frame was almost malnourished- and it had only been a month.
“Why are you here?” She felt suddenly cold and bent to quickly pick up her cloak, still avoiding looking at him.
“Your patronus.” She scowled at Moony who was curled up and looking innocent.
“Traitor.” Of course.
“Thanks. See you around.” Tonks started to walk back down the hallway towards the entrance.
“Wait… Nymph-“
She couldn’t help it. Every emotion for the past month erupted inside of her, and he was here and he was asking for it. Tonks spun around, striding quickly back to where Remus was standing.
“DON’T! Don’t you dare. You have lost every right to my first name.” His mild expression of shock only spurred on her anger.
“Acting all hero, when in all reality you’re just a fucking coward. Nothing but a coward. I see you, laughing and being… FINE! Well I’m not fine Remus and it’s your entire bloody fault. Running off to that pack you will never belong to, because you are too human. Did you hear me?” Her face was inches from his wide eyes.
“You’re too sodding human. I thought we’d moved past poor, old and dangerous but you threw it back in my face when you left. I’m sure they smelt me on you… did you get beaten for it? Hmm?”
She stepped away, throwing her wand down on the ground. It shot violent pink sparks from its’ tip.
“You make me ill. I can’t morph, I can’t eat, I can’t concentrate… I can’t even fucking cast my old patronus because of you. You are everything that was in me for the last seven months and I’m tired of all the fighting, of all the angry-Remus. Because even though angry-Remus may kiss me and talk to me, he doesn’t love me. He loves Dumbledore and this DISCUSTING Order more than me.” The violent tears of angry surged down her face. And Remus just stood there, humbly taking every blow Tonks threw his way.
“Look at me, I look like you. I miss you so much I fucking look like you! Remus I want to be pink again damnit! But instead I walk around every day and it doesn’t mean anything. And you’re off with the pack, risking your life and giving up everything… and I hate you! I hate you.”
Remus arms were there to catch her, to envelope her in their heat. She couldn’t help but burry her head into his chest. She missed him so incredibly much and she allowed herself this moment, this string of moments to just be with him. He was giving Tonks this, for goodbye? For hope? For pity? She didn’t care. Because all she could think on was his smell of parchment and leaves, the way his hands caressed her back, his calming breaths in her ear, and the way he let her fit perfectly against him. Even it was only for a moment.
“A bit of cleansing does everybody good, even the strong.”
She clung to him. It was as if he had thrown out a line, a moment of perfection before he started to reel it back it… to take it back. Back to acting as if they had never shared the same breath, spoke only with hands, slept in the same bed… back to pretending.
“You alright?” His eyes were deep and full of concern. Full of something Tonks recognized but hated at the same time. She took in a shaky breath, before pushing him away.
“No. I’m in love.”
She barely made it to the door when she heard is almost silent reply.
“So am I.”
Then Tonks apparated into the night steeling herself for those words to be enough until the next moment he could give her and she hoped the flash of pink her hair gave at his words were enough to keep him alive.
